It’s November 12, 2024, I woke up at 4:20 am after having
the most bizarre dream. I woke up as soon as I realized that Jim was a twin. Here’s
what I remember about the dream. I was watching the two of them (in my dream)
sitting side by side, looking identical, sitting at their computer, watching a
little video game (sorta) while on the phone with a government official… they
were in the middle of reporting identity fraud – I remember thinking this was
an odd – but a cool way do customer service. The woman helped the two brothers
navigate the video game, she was like their guide showing them that they were
next to speak to a judge. The woman on the phone was telling them that judge
will see them right away because they take identity theft “very seriously”. I
remember thinking… “Good, as they should”… and it was for the first time that I
realized that I had never seen Jim and his twin side by side like that before… that’s
when it hit me… have I been dealing with two entirely different personalities
this whole time? Which “Jim” loves me more? Which Jim is more insecure? Which
Jim has more of a temper? Which Jim hates me enough to scream in my face and
call me names until I’m crying and begging for mercy with a pair of scissors in
my hand, threatening to kill myself? Which Jim is cool with me doing things
with my mom, with my friends and by myself? Which Jim would rather keep me to himself?
My world started spinning, I remember holding my fingers to the temples of head
as my world started spinning…. I felt as if I was having a panic attack in this
dream, realizing that I wasn’t just married to one Jim… I was married to both
of them. I remember thinking… how can I get rid of the other… and if I figured
it out… would he go willing? Or would I have to kill him?
I was tossing and turning in the
bed, I could tell, realizing in that moment that I was dreaming, but the
thought was still lingering… racing through my mind the logic of what I was
just dreaming about. Could it be true? Could I be living with two different men
this entire time and not even know about it? Could they have been switching in
and out… like an understudy does in a major Broadway play? If so… where has the
other one been for the last 19 years? Is this why we’ve never been able to move
and we’ve had to live so close to his parents? Is this why one seems to grieve
his mother more than the other? Is this why one seems to enjoy his father more
than the other? Is this why one seems to enjoy his kids more than the other? Is
this why Jim couldn’t speak words to me when I craved them but then he could
come up with the sweetest things to say when I least expected it? The whole
realization was stirring me awake… continuing to find the string of logic, the
string of truth – as if I was still realizing that the truth was that “Jim” was
really 2 brothers pretending NOT to be twins. Perhaps one was named Buel, and
called Buel as a kid – while the other was James, and called Jimmy… but Buel
was a bully, a meany, a troublemaker, an angry, hateful hermit that just wanted
to be left alone… but it was Jimmy who was kind, soft, charming and romantic. I
wanted all of it to be true because it now all of a sudden made so much sense. That’s
when I actually woke up, my eyes were wide awake, I looked at the dark room, realizing
that it was still very early. I wondered if I had set the alarm and if this was
my body’s way of getting me up on time… I remember thinking… wow, what a
bizarre dream – too bad it isn’t true… because Jim has been (and always will
be) an only child. I looked at the clock and saw that it said 4:20 am… I stayed
there for a moment, trying to convince myself to just go back to sleep… but
this dream was too much of an “ah-ha” to go back to bed. So I started to analyze
it, deeply. What does this dream mean? Could Jim really have two personalities
maybe hidden inside of him, one trying to dominate and control everything – the
other one just wanting to make peace and get along? What if Jim really was a
twin… maybe in his mother’s womb… but then he ATE the other twin, you know – in
the womb? I’ve heard of this before, haven’t you?
Yes, what if the “good Jimmy” is
trapped inside the mean one – trying to get out – trying to break free? He’s
rarely seen (for the first 15 years of our marriage) but I knew he was in there
– I kept doing my best to coax him out. I put on the mask, twisted into a
pretzel, said what I needed to say in attempts to make Jim be nice to me… and
when that didn’t work, when he was screaming and yelling and accusing me of
things I didn’t do – I crumbled to the floor, I locked myself into the bathroom
and grabbed kid scissors and attempted to slit my wrists… what if it was the
MEAN JIM that made me do all that? And it’s only been recently that the mean
Jim has allowed the nice Jim to make appearances… or maybe – my Jim is Twin dream
theory is true… maybe it’s only been recently that “Buel the Bully” has allowed
“Jimmy the Nice” come over to the house more often… he allows him to interact
with the family on his behalf, knowing that he doesn’t do it very well all the
time. He even allows Nice Jimmy to make love to his wife sometimes too which is
a very big step for Buel because we all know how jealous Buel can be. But Buel
can’t know that Jimmy makes love better than Buel. Jimmy is softer, more cuddly,
likes foreplay and is considerate. Buel just takes what he wants in the matter
of minutes – discarding me like a $2 prostitute… leaving me to wonder how I
fell in love with him at all. I haven’t “made love” with Buel in a very long
time. I doubt Buel can even get it up anymore – that’s probably why he’s sent
Jimmy in his place to be with me.
Doesn’t this dream all just sound
too bizarre to be true? But the concept is just wild enough for me to make it
make sense… you know? That’s when I realized that I wanted to share this with Jim.
But what would I say… that I wish it were true? Because then the last 19 years
of my life would have finally made sense? I remember thinking... I should tell
my therapist… or maybe I should share this with our marriage therapist on
Monday… oh shoot, Monday? That’s when I realized that YESTERDAY was Monday –
and today is now Tuesday. Oh shoot! Dang! F*ck me man – did we really just miss
our Monday night therapy session? We must have been so thrown off on Monday
(being Veterans Day) that we completely forgot our therapy session! Ok… now I’m
WIDE awake. Now we’re going to have a charge on our flex card for a missed
appointment – dang it Crystal!?! How could you forget? How could Jim forget… I
know how... Jim was working on Brooklyn’s car all day – all day, for the last 3
days… his weekend did not turn out like he had hoped... this put a damper in my
weekend too because it threw me off of my routine. Last night I was more
focused on my homework due for school – I even forgot to feed myself ACTUAL
food – I was stressing so hard about how we had ALL lost the last 3 days
because of Brooklyn’s dang car – but kept trying to live in gratitude that Jim
was ABLE to fix it… we didn’t have to pay to have a mechanic fix it, we didn’t
have to give up and tell our daughter that his efforts were all for nothing.
She has a running car now… she’s 16 and ready to get her driver’s license and now
she can do the driver's test in her very own car! We were so thrilled last
night that we completely didn’t realize it was Monday, therapy night day – to
us, it felt like Sunday, the last of our 3 day weekend before having to return
back to work. Dang it… I’m going to have to call Gabby and ask her to charge a
different card for that missed appointment. I am so disappointed with myself
for forgetting. Yes… these were all the thoughts that I was having shortly
after waking up – I thought about going back to bed (after using the restroom)
but instead, I just opened the door and came straight to the computer. The time
is now 5:03am – this tells me that I can write about 1200 words in about a half
hour… dang Crystal, is that fast?"
With all that being said… I think
it’s rather interesting of an idea… two men, living as one – because they aren’t
“whole” without each other… sounds like the plot to an thriller/mystery novel.
Right? So I convinced myself to get out of bed and go write this down Crystal…
you never know if this could bizarre dream could be the first of many novels
that you’d love to one day write about.
Conversation with CHAT GPT about my dream…
Me: how are you with dream interpretation?
ChatGPT said:
I can definitely help interpret
dreams! Dream interpretation often considers themes, symbols, and your personal
feelings or experiences related to the dream's elements. If you have a specific
dream you want to explore, feel free to share the details, and we can break
down the symbols and possible meanings to find insights that might resonate
with you.
Me: (copy & pasted dream
from above)
ChatGPT said:
Your dream seems to be revealing
deep feelings and conflicts about your husband’s personality. The
"twin" symbolizes dual aspects of his character, perhaps highlighting
contradictions you’ve experienced in him—one side being loving and soft, and
the other being critical or harsh. This split could represent your mind's way
of processing feelings about inconsistencies you feel in the relationship. The
idea of "two men living as one" also shows a sense of entrapment or
the feeling that you're constantly navigating both personalities, seeking the
“real” partner.
Dreams like this often serve as a
space for your subconscious to explore and even provide clarity about
unresolved emotions. The “identity theft” aspect, for example, may signify a
struggle with deception or confusion around who your husband truly is at his
core, as if you’re wrestling with “mask” identities.
It’s also understandable how this
realization caused a sense of panic in the dream, reflecting your feelings of
instability or lack of control over the relationship. Since dreams use symbols,
this “twin” idea can serve as a way to better understand the push-and-pull you
feel with him. You may find it insightful to discuss this with a therapist as a
way to explore if his behavior patterns are, in a sense, mirroring what the
dream suggested.
Would you like to dive further into
specific parts of the dream?
Me: yes. does any of this
"dream" or realizations of my dream align with things that I've told
you about me and my husband?
ChatGPT said:
Yes, this dream aligns closely with
themes you’ve expressed before, particularly the conflicting personalities you
see in your husband and how these dynamics impact your relationship. You’ve
described feeling torn between staying with him in hopes of change and
grappling with his behavior, which can oscillate between loving and
controlling. In the dream, the “two Jims” concept could symbolize these
contrasting sides and the inner conflict you feel about which “Jim” is the real
one. This duality might mirror your own emotional journey of processing love,
fear, and hope in the relationship.
Would you like to explore this idea
in greater detail or discuss how to bring these reflections into a therapeutic
conversation?
You said:
yes, please explore in greater
detail.
ChatGPT said:
Exploring this dream in detail
reveals a powerful metaphor for the relationship complexities you’ve described.
The twin personas, “Buel the Bully” and “Jimmy the Nice,” seem to represent
distinct aspects of your husband that you experience alternately: a warm,
considerate side and a controlling, aggressive one. Your question of
"Which Jim loves me more?" reflects an ongoing desire to understand
and reconcile these conflicting sides of him, particularly as they affect your
sense of safety and worth within the marriage.
In the dream, feeling as if you’re
dealing with “two Jims” may signify your inner struggle to define the
relationship’s reality—is it a partnership based on love, or are you navigating
an ongoing emotional labyrinth shaped by his unpredictable behaviors? The
unsettling notion of being married to both men could symbolize the
unpredictability you’ve felt, where your husband’s kindness or aggression
appears as though it’s controlled by some invisible switch, with no clarity on
which side might surface next.
Your thoughts about removing or
"killing off" one version of Jim also highlight a possible desire to
eliminate the negative, painful aspects of the relationship and protect the
positive ones. This wish for consistency likely speaks to your need for
stability and peace after experiencing episodes where anger or jealousy were
directed at you, particularly during moments when you’ve felt isolated or
criticized, as you’ve previously shared.
This dream could provide valuable
insights in a therapeutic setting. It might help facilitate a conversation
about emotional safety, consistent love, and the need for mutual respect and
kindness in your relationship. These insights could be useful when exploring
ways to help your husband address his behaviors while also affirming your right
to emotional safety and consistent affection. Let me know if you'd like further
ideas on presenting these reflections in therapy.
You said:
yes, how would i present these
reflections in therapy?
ChatGPT said:
When bringing up these reflections
in therapy, you might frame them as insights from your dream, focusing on how
it mirrors your real-life experience of two distinct sides of your husband.
Here’s one way to start the conversation:
- Describe
the Dream: Share that you had a dream that made you see your husband
as “two people,” each with different traits: one who is kind,
understanding, and affectionate, and another who is harsh, controlling,
and hurtful. Explain how this dream brought up questions about who he
truly is or who he wants to be in your marriage.
- Identify
Feelings: Express the feelings this dream evoked, like confusion,
anxiety, or a desire for consistency. You could share that you often feel
unsure of which version of him will show up in daily life and that it can
make you feel unsafe or uncertain in the relationship.
- Discuss
Needs and Boundaries: Use the dream as a bridge to talk about your
need for stability, emotional safety, and respect. You might share that
you wish for a relationship with “the kind side” of your husband and
wonder if he feels able to meet this need.
- Ask
for Guidance: Invite the therapist to help both of you explore what’s
contributing to these dual behaviors. Share that you want to understand
how to support each other in creating a relationship where you feel safe
and seen consistently.
These reflections can help build a
therapeutic conversation around setting boundaries, understanding behaviors,
and working toward emotional stability in your marriage.
