25 Speaking-My-Truths 366-342

 

- -Less is More++

Less crying 

More laughing

Less steps around each eggshell

Less yelling

More hugging

Less episodes in your hell

Less jealous 

More trust

Less slamming the bedroom door

Less hate needs

More love please

Life dreamt where less is more

#fms_lessismore

"Secret"

It's no secret that I'm heavy

I find comfort eating food

It's no secret that I struggle 

With depression and my mood

It's no secret that I'm lazy 

My house is a big mess

It's no secret that I'm failing 

I'm spending more not less

It's no secret I'm a Morman

Never smoked and rarely drink

It's no secret I'm addicted 

To Facebook and what you think

It's no secret I see problems

And seek solutions all day long

It's no secret that I sing well

And know the lyrics to every song

It's no secret I've wished for death 

To put an end to all my pain

It's no secret I'm in therapy 

And no, I'm not insane

It's no secret that I'm trying 

I do my best each day

It's no secret that I'm real weird 

I was born to be this way

It's no secret that we have holes

In our door and in our wall

And if you ask me, I will tell you 

But prepared, I just might ball

It's no secret that I'm terrible 

Being mom, housewife and sis

It's no secret that I long for 

A better life than this

I may be an open book

But I will not make a peep

When it comes to your own secret

Your secret ... I will keep

#fms_secret

"Magic"

This magic wand was my Dad's wand

He had a dozen or so

I took it for my memory shelf

Where all my "Dad things" go

Each item keeps a memory

Each one holds a magic touch

I've boxed them all up for now

'Cause I miss him oh so much

He owned a real cool magic store

All day long, magic he would do

He taught me a little magic

Yes I know a trick or two!

This wand has begun to yellow

It's magic fades more every year

and I know they say that "Time Heals"

But I still shed a tear

I cry for my Dad's children

We still need him to this day

He'd give advice, kick our butts, 

or make tears melt away

But maybe he's practicing magic

from a place that we can't see

Performing miracles daily

That's the magic of our DadDee

#fms_magic

TEXT

Can't answer your quick call

while I'm here at work

Please just send me a text

If you're running really late

don't be a big fat jerk 

Please just send me a text 

If it's not been very long

since we've last had a chat 

Please just send me a text

If you've ran out of gas 

Or your tire just went flat

Please just send me a text

Wanna say something to me

That you can't say on the line

Please just send me a text

I respect your time, I do

And I know you respect mine

Please just send me a text

Wanna crack a joke

About my lack of height

Please just send me a text

If Google doesn't know 

But Crystal Jeanious might

Please just send me a text

Should we plan a playdate soon

For the kids and where to go 

Please just send me a text

Don't group text me a bunch

if they obviously don't know 

Please just send *me* a text

Instead of a long voicemail

I never will listen to

Please just send me a text

Need to give an address

Of how to get to you?

Please just send me a text

Did you need something else

While I'm out getting our food 

Please just send me a text

Did you wake up before me

There's no need to be rude

Please just send me a text

Step mom, sis or friend. 

I'm not asking for a lot

Please just send me a text 

It's the courteous thing to do

To say you'll be there or not 

Please just send me a text 

It's probably dinner time 

Or I'm busy like most nights

Please just send me a text

Or I might be in the middle

Of one of our epic fights

Please just send me a text

Don't yell at me again

Not sure how much I can take 

Please just send me a text

I don't feel like being honest 

And don't want to give you fake

Please just send me a text 

Checking in because you care

But not sure what to say?

Please just send me a text

If you'd rather call

Don't let *me* stand in your way

Please call instead of text

#fms_text

"In the Night"

I drive my car, in the night

Down the street, turn left then right

I park just perfect, open the door

Grab a cart, walk thru the store

Buy some items, ooh a sale

Spend too much, budget fail

Drive on home, sing a song

Lyrics 'bout a love gone wrong

Call the kids to help me out

Only asking once, didn't have to shout 

Surprise my hubs with candy hearts

Brooklyn laughs, we just smelt her farts

Play Mystery Date with just us two

Still lots of laundry left to do

Help Matthew clean up his bedroom

Sweep up the kitchen with the broom 

Checked the Facebook, 8th time today

Watched Longmire, Walt's ok

Eat some dinner, bite by bite

Just a glimpse of us Wells' life

...in the night...

#fms_inthenight

The most honest answer I can give...

I posted this picture last night with a poem I wrote. Things are "fine" right now... but they've been rough for a long time. Not sure when I'm going to be CrazyCrystal again, so I wrote this poem. 

The Scenic Route is just a metaphor for taking the long route through my emotions to find the happiness in life instead of doing the easy route with all the shortcuts. I truly believe that the best journey is in the lessons that we learn, not the destination itself.
My neighbor/best friend Kira has been going through her own bouts of depression and family issues that are beyond her control, I feel like we haven't really talked in a long time. So when I posted this photo and poem, I got a random text message from her that told me she was concerned about me. I decided to be honest with her. I need to be honest with someone. Living in denial every day is killing me! But denial is also what is saving me. Facing the facts is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. So I like go back to denial often... Read the text messages to hear the most honest answer I can give someone that is asking me if I'm doing ok. If you can't read the poem, I re-typed it at the bottom of these text messages. 

Scenic 

Instead of acceptance 

You give me the Boot

Instead of self-loathing

My own horn I will Toot

Instead of a connection

You don't give a Hoot

Instead of giving me love

You steal all my Loot

Instead of my freedom

It's "Freeze or I'll Shoot"

Yet for some reason...

Instead of the freeway

I take the Scenic route

"My Morning View"

When you think about a morning view

You might think about the sun

But if you read this, you will see

That I have a different one

My morning view was cheery

As I headed out the door

My morning view was painless

As my ouch foot hit the floor 

My morning view was hopeful

As the future now looks bright 

My morning view was peaceful 

There's no more rope to fight 

My morning view might be temporary

Only time can really tell

My morning view was cautious

Not yet healed from when I fell

#fms_mymorningview

"SCENIC"

Instead of acceptance 

You give me the Boot

Instead of self loathing

My own horn I will Toot

Instead of a connection

You don't give a Hoot

Instead of giving me love

You steal all my Loot

Instead of my freedom

It's "Freeze or I'll Shoot"

Yet for some reason... 

Instead of the freeway

I take the Scenic route

#fms_scenic

"Day Off"

I'm having one heck of a day 

With my life and you know who

So my woahs are double trouble

Emotional and physical too

Wore my shoe for the 1st time yesterday 

Then stood on my foot 6 hours straight

Gonna put my feet up today

To speed up the healing rate

At least it's my day off

Did some laundry, took a pill

Otherwise I've really done nothing

Let's hope tomorrow is more chill

#fms_dayoff

"Reflection"

When I look into the mirror

I wonder what I see

A working mom? 

A well intentioned wife? 

Or something deeper inside of me? 

At first I see my reflection. 

I see my blemishes and my beauty

I might cry "ugly" in front of the mirror

Other times I think I'm a cutie! 

But after all these years

I've learned much more about these eyes

I know that I cover my truths

With denials, excuses and lies

I know I do my darndest

To make the best of my hand each day

At least that's how I get through my self talk

And be ok with my reflection and stay

#fms_reflection

"Paper"

Call me superstitious 

But I'm really just open to *anything*

I've carried this for a week now

To see what luck it might bring

It's a tiny piece of paper

Once inside a fortune cookie

My fortune wasn't interesting

But Jim's was! So I tookie. 

Everytime I pull it out 

I make the wish again

That Jim's fortune on this paper

Might come true and he might win

We have no travels plans

At least none anytime soon

But this little paper 

Keeps me wishing for the moon

#fms_paper

"Wall"

My mom is an artist

She painted this on my wall

It's above my bathroom mirror 

The size is no where small

It reminds me of the years

I'd tell secrets to my doll 

I could scream and shout and tear up

And eventually just ball

Fast forward to the times

Where a toy can't catch my fall

I can barely walk on my own

At best I can do is crawl

I just have to remember my mom

And go look up at this wall

It lifts my spirits up

When I'm feeling not so tall

Many times when I am lonely

I rush and give her a call

If no where else, at least 

I AM LOVED it says so on the wall

#fms_wall

"Faceless Portrait"

In a hundred years 

No one will know my name

I won't be on anyone's mind

I won't have a claim to fame 

I might be a distant memory

In a scrapbook on a shelf

My kids will be gone too

The last link left of myself

Their kids might remember grandma

As they tell stories of their own

But unless I take a picture

I'll be a faceless portrait all alone

#fms_facelessportrait

"FLORAL"

Sharing struggles about her life 

We went to Michaels after we ate

Browsing crafts she said she's at peace

She's finally healed her hate

She said she wants a relationship

With her father like before

But she didn't know what to tell him

Should she call or wait some more

I will always remember the moment

When we heard her cell phone ring

She answered the phone quite harshly

You could almost feel the sting

And then there was a pause

The next words she said so clear

It's like a little girl came out

"Hi Daddy" was all I could hear

I guess it's been a while

Since the two have shared a talk

She emptied her hands quite quickly

and went outside for a little walk

I browsed around the store alone

Smiling from ear-to-ear

If my daddy called me out of the blue

I'd surely shed a tear

After several minutes of debating

I decided to go outside

I purchased my items quickly

She spoke with confidence and pride

I felt awkward as I listened 

But wanted her to know I was there

Losing touch with family is hard

It feels awesome to know that they care

Gave her space as she needed a moment

I stared into this window of floral

We are always Daddy's Little Girl 

Don't give up now, that's the moral.

#fms_floral