placebo weight loss surgery

 

day 1 after surgery

jim made me oatmeal with honey and homemade honey butter for breakfast

bleu cheese and tomato wedge of lettuce for lunch 

and this lobster and veggie mix plate for dinner

almonds and cookie crisp cereal in between meals

oh and a midnight snack of a boiled egg

i didn't walk or move at all, i was wheeled to the bathroom a few times but used very little energy to move my body the little bit that i did move it. 

day 2 after surgery
jim made me a blue cheese, turkey, tomato omelet for breakfast 

he gave me another baggie of almonds around lunch time i think he forgot that i was suppose to have lunch 

by 3pm, i was texting my mom and asking her to bring me an apple pecan salad from Wendy's

i gobbled that down 

for dinner - jim made me coconut shrimp in the air fryer with homemade pineapple dipping sauce

by 11pm, i was snacking again on carrots, broccoli, and celery with ranch dressing and a can of diet dr pepper

my activity level was better than yesterday

i attempted the crutches a few times and even managed to hobble and drag my leg down the hallway from my room to jim's room - jim said he was proud of me. 

i don't know why i am writing about all of this - but i figured it would be important one day to look back perhaps... this is just where i'm at on the journey. 

extremely groggy and out of it with a constant regime of heavy-duty narcotics... it sure helps to keep me unemotional because trust me, i have plenty to be emotional about. 

i haven't stopped editing - my addiction to this is worse than i thought, and i am constantly triggered by own TRUE feelings when i rewatch these video journals to myself. It's both healing and upsetting at the same time. 

ok. closing this up and headed back to my video editing. good night. 

 

Doing my Best...

I am doing my best. Amongst the big mess. I do what I can. He's still a good man. We try then we don't. We'll do well or we won't. Thoughts run thru my mind. Almost all of the time. The pain is unreal. I continue to feel. Asleep for too long. Knowing something was wrong. Now awake as I share. Thank you for being there. Behind doors, I will cry. I'm not ready to die. I'm still finding my voice. I now know I have choice. Another week or a year. This boat I will soon steer.

25 Speaking-My-Truths 366-342

 

- -Less is More++

Less crying 

More laughing

Less steps around each eggshell

Less yelling

More hugging

Less episodes in your hell

Less jealous 

More trust

Less slamming the bedroom door

Less hate needs

More love please

Life dreamt where less is more

#fms_lessismore

"Secret"

It's no secret that I'm heavy

I find comfort eating food

It's no secret that I struggle 

With depression and my mood

It's no secret that I'm lazy 

My house is a big mess

It's no secret that I'm failing 

I'm spending more not less

It's no secret I'm a Morman

Never smoked and rarely drink

It's no secret I'm addicted 

To Facebook and what you think

It's no secret I see problems

And seek solutions all day long

It's no secret that I sing well

And know the lyrics to every song

It's no secret I've wished for death 

To put an end to all my pain

It's no secret I'm in therapy 

And no, I'm not insane

It's no secret that I'm trying 

I do my best each day

It's no secret that I'm real weird 

I was born to be this way

It's no secret that we have holes

In our door and in our wall

And if you ask me, I will tell you 

But prepared, I just might ball

It's no secret that I'm terrible 

Being mom, housewife and sis

It's no secret that I long for 

A better life than this

I may be an open book

But I will not make a peep

When it comes to your own secret

Your secret ... I will keep

#fms_secret

"Magic"

This magic wand was my Dad's wand

He had a dozen or so

I took it for my memory shelf

Where all my "Dad things" go

Each item keeps a memory

Each one holds a magic touch

I've boxed them all up for now

'Cause I miss him oh so much

He owned a real cool magic store

All day long, magic he would do

He taught me a little magic

Yes I know a trick or two!

This wand has begun to yellow

It's magic fades more every year

and I know they say that "Time Heals"

But I still shed a tear

I cry for my Dad's children

We still need him to this day

He'd give advice, kick our butts, 

or make tears melt away

But maybe he's practicing magic

from a place that we can't see

Performing miracles daily

That's the magic of our DadDee

#fms_magic

TEXT

Can't answer your quick call

while I'm here at work

Please just send me a text

If you're running really late

don't be a big fat jerk 

Please just send me a text 

If it's not been very long

since we've last had a chat 

Please just send me a text

If you've ran out of gas 

Or your tire just went flat

Please just send me a text

Wanna say something to me

That you can't say on the line

Please just send me a text

I respect your time, I do

And I know you respect mine

Please just send me a text

Wanna crack a joke

About my lack of height

Please just send me a text

If Google doesn't know 

But Crystal Jeanious might

Please just send me a text

Should we plan a playdate soon

For the kids and where to go 

Please just send me a text

Don't group text me a bunch

if they obviously don't know 

Please just send *me* a text

Instead of a long voicemail

I never will listen to

Please just send me a text

Need to give an address

Of how to get to you?

Please just send me a text

Did you need something else

While I'm out getting our food 

Please just send me a text

Did you wake up before me

There's no need to be rude

Please just send me a text

Step mom, sis or friend. 

I'm not asking for a lot

Please just send me a text 

It's the courteous thing to do

To say you'll be there or not 

Please just send me a text 

It's probably dinner time 

Or I'm busy like most nights

Please just send me a text

Or I might be in the middle

Of one of our epic fights

Please just send me a text

Don't yell at me again

Not sure how much I can take 

Please just send me a text

I don't feel like being honest 

And don't want to give you fake

Please just send me a text 

Checking in because you care

But not sure what to say?

Please just send me a text

If you'd rather call

Don't let *me* stand in your way

Please call instead of text

#fms_text